Hi! It can be hard to know if you have talked about everything you can or "should" talk about before you get married. Many of just "go for it!" when we get married. This may explain our astronomical divorce rates. What if there was a way to know you have had the necessary conversations and really knew what your spouse wanted in life? Here are 4 premarital tips that can help you know if this is the right person for you.

1. Make a list of what you both value and share it

Values play a large role in our lives. When live inside of our values, and base our life around them we feel whole and are more happy. When we live outside of our values we feel incomplete and miserable. You have a set of values and so does your partner. It is important to understand your values as well as your partner's values. Here is a simple exercise of how to identify your values.

a. Make a list of at least 3 people you admire

b. What is it about these individuals that you admire? For example, you may like that they love their family, they are creative, and compassionate.

c. Pull out the traits from the list above of what you like about them. This would be:

family oriented, creativity, compassion

The traits you admire in another person points to your values, that is probably why you like them. Ask your partner to do the same and then compare lists. Be sure you are looking at similarities and DIFFERENCES. We often make the mistake of maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. We DO NOT want to do that with someone we are going to marry. We want to be clear on where we both stand and decide how we will navigate differences and if there are any deal breakers.

For more information on the importance of values within a marriage check out our YouTube series on premarital tips!

2. Set ground rules for difficult conversations

If we are going to be married (or dating) it is imperative that we learn how to say hard things and how to hear hard things. Honesty is critical to a healthy relationship and if we can't ask or hear hard things then we end up lying, walking on eggshells, or wearing masks and that does not make for a strong relationship. Here are a few ground rules we can set to help make conversations safe so we can build a relationship were we can be honest.

a. No raising our voices-If either party gets loud you can remind each other no raised voices and continue the conversation. If there is an increase in tone a second time, agree to take a break.

b. How to take a break- When taking a break it is important that if either party wants a break, then you take a break. When taking a break you will want to agree how long the break will be and when and where you will pick the conversation back up. You would not just walk away with no communication. Also, if you are the one that asked for the break it is important that you are prepared to start the conversation back up when the break is over. We build trust when we take a break and come back to the conversation when we say we will. Take as many breaks as needed especially in the beginning. Breaks are healthy and they help us to get better at controlling ourselves.

c. No name calling- If there is name calling to any agree... take a break.

d. No interrupting- If one person interrupts you can remind them you were not finished, if it happens a second time, take a break.

For more great premarital exercises check out our premarital book Do I? Here you can find more tips and a series of questions for couples to discuss including: children, finances, in-laws... you name it!

Thanks for stopping by and picking up a few tips to help you on your journey. Wishing you all the best as you navigate the question of "Do I?" Take good care!