Hi! Getting engaged is so exciting and there is so much planning to do. Although the hope is that we already know our partners very well, most couples have lots unsaid and undiscovered that they need to know and be aware of before they say I do. Here is a list of 4 questions you ask each other to help you work through areas before you say "I do!".

Before we jump in, it is important to be sure you feel safe asking and answering questions. If you do not feel safe, I recommend you seek further help before continuing this process and before you get married. Feeling safe needs to be established before you move forward in any direction in your relationship. You can find help from a mental health professional in your area. If you feel safe and are excited to move forward please be mindful not everyone is proud of where they came from. We want to be sure we are not passing judgement on our partners family or parents. We want to listen and ask questions with respect. The point of the exercise is to be aware of where we came from, what we like about it, and what we do not want to take into the marriage. Please take a break anytime it becomes overwhelming and if it becomes too overwhelming please seek help from a professional in your area. With these understandings in mind, let's dive in!

If you were not raised by your "parents" please answer the questions based on what you saw from who raised you even if it was a single parent.

1. Are your parents married or divorced?

Use this prompt to go deeper in your conversation so you can understand your partner more. We want to understand how we and our partners feel about the fact that their parents are still married or divorced. Some individuals wish their parents would get a divorce while others are deeply grieved by the loss. Take this time to ask each other questions and practice sharing your thoughts and feels while you support each other. You can check out this video for more information and support.

2. How did your parents handle conflict?

This is an important topic to walk through with our partners. We want to be sure that we decide how we would like to handle conflict and a great place to start is to look at what was modeled to you. For example, what did conflict mean in your home? Was it scary, deafening, or handled with patience? Did every conflict end in tears or an act of violence. Maybe you saw your parents have a conflict and then sleep in separate rooms. Or, maybe your parents went to the table and sat down and had a conversation when there was conflict. Take this time to share what you saw and how feel about. Remember to take breaks as needed.

3. How did your parents make decisions?

Decision making is going to part of every marriage for the entire marriage. This is an important area to cover before you get married. Take a moment to each reflect on how you saw your parents make decisions. Did one person make all of the decisions or did both parties weigh in and have an equal say? Did decision making shut down the communication or did you see lots of conversation surrounding the choices. Take a moment and share what you saw when you were growing up.

For more examples grab the book Do I, includes a complete series of exercises to complete before you get married.

4. Roles- What did each parent teach us about roles

Kids are sponges. They soak in what they see and hear even unintentionally. What did each of your parents teach you the role of a man was in the home? What did each of your parents teach you the role of the woman was in the home. For example it could be, "My dad taught me that men are supposed to... and my mom taught me men are supposed to..." You answer this for both parents for each role. If one of your parents or both of your parents were absent from your life, you may have learned that men (or women) leave.

Thank you for taking this time to work on yourselves. The more we understand about each other's experiences, the more we can make a plan for a marriage that will be what we want and need. If you want more exercises to help you on your journey check us on Youtube and grab the book Do I using the links above. Take good care and all the best to you in marriage!